Jan. 6: Re-traumatized, but not powerless
In the eight years since my daughter Jessi was murdered in a mass shooting, I’ve become an activist and the co-creator of an organization, Survivors Empowered, that reaches out to those who have suffered similar trauma. On January 6, I was in the middle of working on a joint project with progressive partners from across the country.
My presentation was up next on our Zoom call. None of us were paying much attention to the speaker, however. We were all watching what was happening on the Mall in Washington, D.C., and if truth be told, distracted. Suddenly, we all became aware that the Capitol — our Capitol — was being breached by a mob of far-right-wing Trump supporters.
Our meeting ended abruptly. The horror of what we watched on our TV screens has not left me. That date, January 6, 2021, is etched in my memory as the day America almost died.
Perhaps none of us should have been surprised, because this toxic mix has long been brewing. The shame is that it was predicted by many of us watching politics in our country for the last 10 years. The rise of the Tea Party gave rise to the Alt Right, which in turn gave rise to the elements I think of as the soft and unquiet underbelly of our society — full of rumbling pain and fury, reflecting and causing pain all around. The Proud Boys wreaked havoc, and so many onlookers were appalled and traumatized watching the scenes at the Capitol unfold. These types of events once again trigger PTSD, and I knew some gun violence survivors would need support.
My thoughts also went to those in the Capitol whom I have come to know in my almost nine years of activism. They were trapped. I thought about how terrified they were knowing this mob wanted blood. They were hiding behind seats, desks, tables. I thought about their loved ones watching while not knowing if they were safely out of harm’s way. Their loved ones were trapped, too.
I thought my friends might die, and that I might be witnessing murder.
We know now that many in that mob wanted to kill. They had a list. They had a plan. They wanted blood.
It took me back to Aurora, Colorado, where on July 20, 2012, my 24-year-old daughter, Jessi, was hit by six bullets from an AR-15 while watching a movie. She and her companion tried to escape. They were trapped. They were hiding behind seats. They were caught in complete chaos. They were terrorized. She was killed along with 11 others, 70 were wounded and hundreds were psychologically impacted. An unborn baby died that night, but is not counted in the deaths. Neither was a suicide a year later, a leg amputated four years after and countless others affected by that night. The first responders who quit their jobs, and the police officers and the CSI’s who witnessed the aftermath of the slaughter, were also haunted by the aftermath of the slaughter.
Our society has allowed violence and guns to permeate our culture. It is far easier to buy a gun than it is to buy Sudafed. It is far easier for guns to be made into fully automatic weapons than most of the population realizes. And most do not know how easy it is for those who should never be allowed to have a gun (felons and others) to simply make one on a 3D printer.
We in America are drowning in firearms. It is killing us physically as well as spiritually. We seem to see firearms as the “go-….to” solution settling disputes instead of dialogue. We no longer think of guns as lethal weapons. We see them as a tool to prove our points. We don’t think about the aftermath. We don’t think about the damage.
We have elected officials who attack mass-shooting survivors, saying that they are crisis actors, the shootings are false flags, that our loved ones never died or, worse yet, never existed.
Trauma. It affects our bodies as well as our brains. When triggered we respond in one of three ways: flight, fight, freeze. Having tools to move through the trauma when one encounters it is critically important and why trauma-informed therapies such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) are so important. However, it is difficult for many survivors to find access.
Survivors Empowered was founded to help prepare new survivors for what to expect after their lives have been turned upside down from gun violence. My husband, Lonnie, and I have now responded to 15 mass shootings across the country, visiting communities that know the daily impact of gun violence in their neighborhoods. Trauma-informed therapy, EMDR and MBSR training are often not available, too expensive or not embraced. We have seen survivors who have pursued trauma therapy (with and without EMDR) and mindfulness training move from flight, fight, freeze to having tools that help them get through life. We have also observed those who have not embraced these techniques. Their grief and trauma are revealed often in these (or a combination of these) ways:
Overeating
Undereating
Excessive exercise
Excessive drinking
Excessive use of drugs
Working excessively
Rage
Learning to move forward despite grief and trauma is essential to finding a healthy life once more. The traumatized never move on from grief entirely, but moving forward allows us to find the joy and peace our loved ones would want for us.
This year, we have partnered with the University of California San Diego to research the effects of mindfulness on 40 survivors of gun violence who have PTSD. In this groundbreaking program, survivors from throughout the country, representing different types of shootings, are being trained in mindfulness techniques and will then become mindfulness teachers in their own communities. The effect will be to create mindfulness micro-communities and a holistic approach to dealing with trauma.
Survivors are forever changed after their lives have been touched by gun violence. Survivors Empowered gives them a soft place to land, with support and tools to create their “new normal.” Their new life. A new beginning.
